The best way to get my swirl of thoughts done is in the form of a list, so I present you today a list in the form of questions of mini-mountains that I climbed today (and most days).
- Why is Jude awake at 11:30pm (and 1:00am and 3:30am and 5:00am)?
- How am I supposed to balance being my own person and being a mom?
- How do people get enough sleep to be a functioning human being let alone a parent?
- How am I supposed to balance Jude's feelings and at the same time get things done (like changing clothes and diaper changes)?
- Does he really want to nurse again?
- Is he being aggressive because of something I did?
- Why do I feel like such a garbage mom every day?
- Is it selfish to step away and take time for myself?
- How do people keep a clean house and have kids?
- Am I selfish for not cleaning during nap time?
- Will my house ever be clean?
- Why does Jude want to give strangers hugs but slaps me in the face instead of giving me one?
- Is Jude being socialized enough?
- Am I hovering too much?
- Am I giving him too much independence?
- What do I do when he needs me but I have to be focusing on something else?
- Is it terrible that I don't want to be touched sometimes?
- He seriously wants more milk?
- Why does Jude only nap when it's inconvenient?
- How am I supposed to be my own person, a mom, and a halfway decent wife?
- I wonder if there's some way I can bring money into the house so I feel less worthless?
- Am I spending too much of my own person time on blogging and creating activities for kids?
- He can't want more milk. It's only been 8 minutes?
- What should I make for dinner that Jude will eat instead of throwing to the dogs?
- Was I present enough today?
- Was I on my cellphone too much? Did Jude notice I was on my cellphone a lot?
- Is it normal to not want to wean but also not want to nurse every three minutes?
- Why do I feel like the least put together mother on the planet?
- Should Jude know the ABC, there's 18 month olds in my groups that know the ABCs?
- Am I focusing on things less important than the ABCs? How do I know what to focus on?
- Does Jude know how much I love him?
- Am I making the right choices for Jude?
- Am I making the right choices for me?
- Am I making the right choices for my collective family?
- Do I put enough effort into being a good friend?
- How do moms keep adult friendships?
- More milk?
- Am I doing this right?
- Is it normal that I'm mentally fried every day?
- Does Jude know he's my best friend and I wouldn't trade this insanity for anything?
This was just today's mountain. It changes daily, but these are the ones that stuck out from the day. Reading back and reflecting on it makes me think about how hard it is to be a mom, especially in the digital age. We spend so much time on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram fixated on being like "perfect" moms. I hope this list serves show that the snapshots that the blog and Instagram get of Jude and my life is a perfectly cultivated magic show. We do complete activities. We do have genuine child-led learning fun. But, we more importantly are real humans that struggle and climb mountains, sometimes especially steep ones, to get through the day.
When I went to edit and add pictures to this blog, I was struck by this photo of my sweet, brave boy. He climbed what was a pretty large and steep mountain for him. He slipped a few times, but he ended up proudly standing on the top triumphant. I'm going to try to draw that same strength Jude showed tomorrow as I tackle my mini-mountains.
You have so much to be proud of everyday. You have the sense to ask all of those questions and getting them out will help you realize that there are no answers for most of them. Keep on being the beautiful person you are and life takes care of itself.
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